spydielives

Years ago,

I wandered the halls of high school

Through the gates of social media

Remembering the days of

Loneliness and bullying

Because I was different

I didn’t follow pop culture

I didn’t follow fashion trends

I didn’t follow the rules for girls

I looked in on those

Now grown women

Remembered as tormentors

They were never my friends

I came to realize

That their lives were far from

Their perfect projections

They also struggled

to not be different from their group

to follow pop culture

to follow fashion trends

to follow the rules for girls

They struggled to not be me

As I looked over their lives

It was easy to forgive them

They knew not what they did then

They learned and they grew

As did I

And I added them to my list

While I cannot count all of them as

nearest and dearest, 

Yet

I am 

Saddened by their trials

Eager to hear their triumphs

Gladdened by their successes, and

Encouraged by their voices

I spent my childhood

in a binary world of zeros and ones

where the black and white rules

of targets and tools

distinguished the daughters from sons.

In my adulthood

I learned to count in other numbers

see the colors of context and phrase

and welcome the ways

individuality unencumbers.

-------

Edited on 2019/10/15 @ 2:05pm, before voting started — I replaced the original word "embrace" with "welcome" for better alignment with the previous stanza.

When I lay me down to sleep,

then my demons start to creep.

     They fill my head with dismal thoughts

     and torture me with mental knots.

They persecute me, and enslave;

Denying me the rest I crave.

     Conversations never made,

     All the debts that are unpaid,

Arguments that can’t be won,

Plans and plots that are undone.

     Hopes and dreams are never found,

     Obsessively, my thoughts twist ‘round

The demons, they do love to maunder

Escape requires that I wander.

I get up.

Pacing down my narrow halls,

Exhausted, I am bumping walls,

     Finally, my head feels clear

     When physically I am blear.

I lie down.

Like serpents, my evil demons wait

relishing my wretched state.

     Drifting off, to my dismay

     I let the demons have their way.

I get up.

I find my way into the kitchen

Bones trembling, muscles twitching

     That I might snack and stop the wheels

     But nothing in the fridge appeals

In desperate straits, I’ll risk my heart

Sugar now will play its part

     Mass quantities I do consume.

     Returning quickly to my room

Sleep will come within a trice.

I’ve won this round, but at a price;

     Not even demons can evade

     My biological cascade.

—

I remember 

when I was a child

my difficult days deciding whether 

to finally finish reading a book,

to find a new solution to a drainage engineering problem, 

to scale the willow tree out over the marsh, 

to sketch the migratory birds below me, or 

some other random act of playfulness

would fill my weekends.

I was ignorant of the politics of that time,

the machinations of those in power and

the formal opinions in our houses of government,

except in the vaguest of ways.

Now that I am an adult,

I cannot escape the dissonance of public discord,

the left and the right, heading off into their own directions,

never meeting.

But oh, how I wish I could.

Good morning, class. Unfortunately, Mrs. ver Batim is feeling a little under the weather today. We hope it’s nothing serious. I will be your substitute teacher, (carefully writing in cursive on the board) Ms. Spydie.

You are going to spend today sitting quietly at your desks, reading. I am going to spend my day not regretting all my life choices that brought me to this place and time. Trust me, do as I say, not as I do.

If I am still around tomorrow, it will be because Mrs. ver Batim has decided she has had it with… I mean, she is still not feeling well enough to teach. In that case, we will begin working on the state-mandated poetry lesson plan. You may wish to plan accordingly.

Meanwhile, sit back, relax, and enjoy your reading. No talking, please... yes, you in the back. Ms. Spydie has a slight headache.

After participating in LJIdol for as many seasons as I have, writing introductory posts becomes, well, been-there-done-that. Here are some links to some previous ones, if you are new to me. If you are not new to me, well, you already know who I am, don't you!

(LJI 2015) https://spydielives.livejournal.com/2164524.html

(LJI 2014) https://spydielives.livejournal.com/2160314.html

(LJI 2008) https://spydielives.livejournal.com/1919090.html

I'm in, for reals.

You should be too...

https://therealljidol.livejournal.com/1060711.html